How Do We Persuade Someone to Do Something Hard
January 2026
By: Jason Hsieh - Associate Pastor of Counseling and Discipleship
Have you noticed that you don’t need to persuade someone to eat more junk food or waste more time on the internet? Most people don’t need persuasion to do something he or she already wants to do (whether it’s good or not). But trying to persuade someone to do what he or she doesn’t want to do, even if it’s right? That’s a lot harder.
Paul finds himself in a similar predicament with his friend Philemon. Philemon’s slave Onesimus has wronged him, and Paul wants the former to reconcile with the latter. While the purpose of the letter isn’t a “five easy steps” guide to persuading others, it does show us a godly man encouraging a friend to do something hard. This article highlights several ways Paul aims to persuade Philemon to do the godly thing.
1. Humility
In many of Paul’s letters, he identifies himself as an apostle. But here, he introduces himself as a prisoner and repeatedly refers to his imprisonment (vv. 1, 9, 10, 13). He also willingly cedes his rights as an apostle to tell Philemon what to do (v. 8), all the while respecting the authority that Philemon has over Onesimus (v. 14a). And he does all this to communicate to Philemon that he’s making his plea from a position of lowliness, not authority. In doing so, Paul hopes Philemon will follow through on his own volition (v. 14b).
Most of us aren’t in prison like Paul, but we’re indebted to the God of grace. If you know what it’s like to struggle to do what’s right, in what ways does that come across when you try to persuade others?
2. Relationship
Paul doesn’t write to Philemon from an ivory tower. The word “appeal” used in verses 9-10 means to admonish or encourage from beside. Philemon came to faith under Paul’s ministry (v. 19) and so the latter knows the former well. He knows Philemon wants to encourage others (vv. 4-7), so he connects Philemon’s values with the ask to take back Onesimus (vv. 19-21).
Getting to know others can take time. Are you willing to invest such time so that you can offer pinpointed wisdom rather than ineffective platitudes?
3. Example
Paul offers up his own willingness to do the hard but right thing. Since wronging Philemon, Onesimus has come to faith, and he’s been useful to Paul’s ministry (vv. 10-13). Paul would love for him to stay, but he knows Onesimus should go back to Philemon. Relationships are, at times, costly. Sometimes, it’s because someone has hurt us; other times, we lose people through death or life transitions. For Philemon, it’d be costly to take Onesimus back. For Paul, it’d be costly to lose Onesimus. Paul’s saying here, let’s both be mature Christians and do the right thing so that the gospel of grace can be tangibly shown to others.
But that’s not all. Paul indicates Mark is with him (v. 24). The same Mark who, ten years earlier, had a falling out with Paul (Acts 15). But now, the two are spreading the gospel together. Perhaps Philemon knew of this restored relationship, so here, Paul serves as an example of reconciliation.
There’s a common saying: never ask those under your authority to do something you aren’t willing to do. How can you appropriately bring in examples from your life to encourage someone that what you’re exhorting them to do is possible?
4. Doctrine
Paul isn’t explicit in this letter about doctrine. It’s more implied because his recipient knows such matters, and he’s more concerned that such doctrine be lived out. Philemon is presented with the following: Onesimus has repented (v. 11), and he’s now a Christian and therefore an equal before the Lord (v. 16). So, Paul is essentially asking Philemon: as someone who believes God forgives repentant sinners, will you take Onesimus back? And as someone who believes we should view others as God views us, will you view Onesimus as a brother in Christ and an equal before the Lord rather than as a slave (v. 16)?
Talking about and teaching sound doctrine are critical, but God always expects us to be transformed by His Word. In what ways are you helping others not just to know the Bible but to connect it with life?
5. Authority
Most of Paul’s letters are filled with commands. He issues only one in this letter when he tells Philemon to get a room ready for him so he can check on him (v. 22). It’s just a touch of authority because he knows Philemon will likely follow through on reconciling with Onesimus (v. 21).
This letter isn’t intended to be a treatise on leadership. Different circumstances call for different tactics. Paul leans more into his authority with the Galatians than he does with Philemon. How do you determine whether to lean into your authority when trying to persuade others?
Conclusion
As the host of the Colossian church (v. 2), Philemon would have also received the words found in Colossians 3:13: “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” And yet, Paul takes 25 verses in his letter to Philemon to say the same thing.
Wouldn’t we all wish ministering to others was as easy as reading a verse, and then people struggling would automatically change? Persuading others to obey God’s Word requires elbow grease. Interpersonal ministry often takes a lot longer than we’d like, and it requires thoughtfulness, as we see in this letter. Paul doesn’t present the command to reconcile with Philemon on a cold, hard platter. Instead, he takes the time to help his friend to taste and see that God’s ways are good. And we have the privilege to do the same.
Questions for Reflection
What are other ways you’ve tried to persuade someone to follow God’s commands?
Which one of the above points do you need to work on? Who in your church could help you?
This article was originally published by Biblical Counseling Coalition on February 28, 2024 and is reposted here with their permission.
